Mission. Vision. Values.

Zach

Drew and Liz have been clients of mine for about six months. We’ve been working hard on getting them unstuck. Honestly, and they know this, we’re doing most of what you’re doing in this course... except they’re investing a lot more time and money than you likely did.

Anyway, Drew works in corporate communications and not too long ago he bounded into my office and said, “Dude, I totally figured it out. This whole time we’ve been talking about re-branding our marriage.” Then he laid it out for me.

We started with an assessment of where we were, both as individuals and as a couple.

We identified key problems in the current system and stabilized them. Then we wrote a creative brief - identifying the current strengths as well as where we wanted to go by defining a mission, vision, and values. Then we started implementation.

He was - well, there’s no other word for it - he was stoked. And read to move toward implementation. I kind-of feel like letting Drew lead this lesson.

Laura

I get that. At the same time, whenever I try to make the “your marriage is like a business” link, people recoil. You and I have talked about this before. In fact I tried it recently with a client... the idea of creating a mission statement for the relationship and you would have thought that I was asking them to consider polygamy.

I can appreciate that couples might not want to think of their relationship as a corporate entity.

But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I realize that it’s not that crazy. Throughout this entire course, we’ve been trying to get you to think about your relationship in a new way. And personally, I think a marriage should have a mission and a vision. I just might not call it that.

Zach

Exactly. But there are business management principles that apply to marriage. It is, after all, an institution. This lesson is about how you should treat your marriage like a business that you’re starting together

In this video we’ll ask you to....

1. Focus the direction of your marriage.
2. Define the dream/purpose of your relationship.
3. Detail some priorities.
4. Adopt an intentional future.
5. Commit to actual practical plans.
6. To become clear about your “next step”.

I hope you noticed that, for all of the modules that came before this one, we’ve told you what you’ll learn. Today, we’re asking you to do the teaching. That’s why we said “we’ll ask” instead of “you’ll learn.”

Laura

It’s our way of saying you’re about to be on your own. It’s time for you to chart your own course. So the focus for today is: Mission, vision, & values are essential are necessary to guide your path forward..

Laura

Ok. Let’s start with focus. You know that thing they say...if you aim at nothing you’ll hit it every time. You’ve come a long way since you started the course. I know that’s true because you’re still here. If you weren’t working, you’d find way more entertaining and mind numbing things to do with your internet time.

But now I’m asking you to focus. Your marriage needs a set of core values, ideals, goals. Do you believe in a higher power? I’m not necessarily talking about God, whatever you call him or her, though that’s a fine place to base your values. I’m talking about that thing that’s bigger than you and your marriage that somehow guides your choices and, ultimately, your relationship.

Call it your North Star. Maybe it’s generosity. Or adventure. Or wealth building. If you don’t have a focus, you’ll remain stuck. This lesson’s activity sheet will ask you to spend some time with this and the rest of the questions. We’ll give you some ideas.

But if you were starting a business together, you’d want to know what your focus was, right?

Zach

Yes, that’s right. You’d also want to know what your dream was. We asked you to dream in the last lesson. In that case it was to dream about a specific issue. But you need to have a dream for your relationship as well. We asked about this way back in the first module when we proposed the magic “It’s all better” fairy. That fairy was really your dream fairy.

But let me ask you a different kind of question about your dream for your marriage. What can your marriage do to make a significant difference in your lifetime?

Think about it. Could it change the entire DNA of your family tree? Could it right a wrong? Could it teach a lesson to your kids.

Can I tell you something about your kids? One day, maybe 30 years from now, they’re going to be on my couch. Or probably Laura’s because I’ll be super old by then...and they’re going to tell the story of their family. That’s you. They’ll be talking about you. Whatever comes out of their mouth...it matters. Do you want to direct that out of your dream, or just see what happens.

Here’s a second question...If you’re clear about your dream, are you collecting data, having discussions and making decisions that will help you move toward it? What is the single best indicator that you’re making progress toward that dream? Write it down...on the activity sheet.

Laura

Ask #3 - Could you detail some priorities to help you move toward your dream?

For example, if you could accomplish only three measurable priorities between now and “until death do you part”, what would they be? What about if you could only accomplish three things in the next 90 days? If you were a business, you would need to be really clear about what you were working on and by when.

Your priority might be to strengthen your friendship. It might be to get better at conflict. It might be to become more passionate dreamers. All of those things are important. But you can’t work on all of them at once. Even if you just ranked those three, you’d at least have some clarity about how to direct your time and energy. There might also be something else on your list.

You know the deal, write it down.

Zach

What do you hear when I say, “in the future”? What about when I say “pretty soon”? Or even “next”? Each of those is out there somewhere, but where? You need to know... especially if you’re not clear that those words mean the same thing to you both.

So, let’s choose a hypothetical future. Say, ten years. How old will you be in 10 years? What do you want your story to be in 10 years? Remember when we talked about befores and afters in your relationship? Will you look back 10 years from now and say “We took this MARRIAGE in MOTION course online and it really changed the direction of our relationship?”

If not, why not - please do let us know - and also start looking for the next best option to help you get you to the relationship you want. If you think the answer might be yes, dude...you need a plan. What will you do “next” and by “next” I mean, next week.

My mentor’s mentor is an incredibly successful and effective management consultant. I have to confess that I stole a lot of this lesson from the things I learned from them both. My mentor is George. His mentor is Bobb Biehl. Bobb is a champion of the “one word focus”.

If you think about “next week” or even “next year” what single word captures your mission? What would it be like for you to proactively live into that word? What practical steps could you take? What roadblocks need your attention?

Laura

This brings us to our final ask for the lesson. We’re about to cut you loose and we need you commit to actual practical plans beyond this course.

A little earlier I asked you, could accomplish only three things in the next 90 days. Once you write those down, I want you to write down three practical steps that you can take to move toward those accomplishments. So now you have nine practical steps.

But I want you to go even further, I want you to list three things you can do to move each of those nine things along. This is super specific and may seem to granular, but remember, it’s small wins that make big changes. You need to do small faithful things, consistently over time in order to create actual transformation.

Zach

Look, I don’t know if this is what Drew had in mind when he was preaching re-branding to me, but I’m grateful for the inspiration. And I hope it’s been inspiring to you too. We don’t want you thinking your relationship is some kind of corporate entity.

BUT you do need a mission. You do need a vision. As you define these things, as you define your North Star, you are doing the work of that last phase of intimacy: Spiritual Intimacy. Again, we’re not talking about theology or religion, just that higher good.

Laura

Well, we have just one more lesson left for you. It includes a healthy debate - at least I think so - about what marriage is about, in just two words.

For now, please leave us a comment...