Podcast Ep: 06 “Conversations on Purpose”

Zach and Laura continue their Connection Series and discuss the power of intentional conversations. They share how leaning into some new scripts can build intimacy and true connection. Laura also goes overboard and pays Zach TWO compliments.  

Key Takeaways:
  • Deep meaningful conversations are intentional and purpose-filled.  Check-in conversations will not satiate an appetite for connection with your partner.
  • Three reminders to maintain connection is to 1) pay attention, 2) be interested, 3) stay curious.
  • Check-in question to ask “On a scale of 1-10, how connected to you feel to me right now?”
  • Check-in question to ask “What’s one thing I should ask you at the end of the day?”
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Time Stamped Show Notes:

  • 01:52 – As couples therapists, we’re not off the hook for maintaining and gaining in our own relationships.
  • 03:30 – Screen time and social media are robbing us of real face time conversations with our partner.
  • 04:30 – In our last podcast we talked about Roommate Syndrome, where couples fall into patterns of complacency. This same thing often happens in our conversations, where we have scripts or tapes that we play out. We need to learn how to fast forward, rewind, or even hit eject when that happens so that we can move below surface level conversations to something real and meaningful.
  • 05:10 – A steady diet of “check-in” conversations are shallow and boring.
  • 05:42 – We build a deeper more meaningful connection by having purpose-filled conversations.
  • 06:23 – If you can specifically label the conversation you’re having, you can skip over a lot of these “script” assumptions. For example, let’s say you have a problem to solve. You might ask your partner, “Hey, can I have 10 minutes of your time to help me solve a problem?” That way both partners know exactly what’s going on.
  • 06:59 – I can’t tell you how many times it happened. Couples comes in and they’re have two totally different conversations. She’s trying to discuss something and he’s actually trying to make a decision, and their purposes are in conflict with one another.
  • 07:56 – A short, purposeful conversation you can have today begins with, “On a scale from 1 to 10, how connected to me do you feel right now?” And after listening to your partner’s response the follow up question is, “What can I be doing to elevate that number even higher?”
  • 09:14 – Presumably, both partners want the same thing. Pause to agree that you both want more connection. You both want less conflict, more sex, more energy in the relationship. When partners can step outside their own differences long enough to focus on the fact that you both want the same thing, it’s much easier to orient the conversation you’re having.
  • 09:50 – My favorite way lately, for couples trying to figure out if they’re still interested in each other, is to ask this question at the beginning of the day. “Hey, what’s one thing I should ask you at the end of the day.” And then ask that question at the end of the day. It shows you’ve been paying attention, it shows you’re interested in your partner, it shows you’re curious about them, and it helps you stay more connected.