Podcast Ep: 04 “How to Repair”

Episode 04 “How to Repair” is the final episode of our Conflict series.  In this episode, Zach and Laura discuss the most important skill for any couple and the best time to do it. (Hint: It’s any time.) They also reveal the one question every couple needs to learn how to ask and answer on a regular basis. Zach reveals the secret to making him feel like $20.

Key Takeaways:
  • The best way to manage conflict is BEFORE it ever occurs. This will keep you connected.
  • Keep pursuing the answer to this question: “How do I give you what you need so that can get what I want?” (Which is to feel closer, more connected, better paired.)
Resources: 
  • Marriage Therapy Radio #2 | How To Sky Dive…explains how to repair DURING an argument. 
  • Marriage Therapy Radio #3 | How To Apologize…explains how to repair AFTER an argument. 
  • Marriage Therapy Radio #3 | How To Repair…explains how to repair BEFORE an argument. 
  • Five Love Languages – Discover your Love Language by taking this quick assessment online.
  • Terry Real – “New Rules of Marriage”

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Time Stamped Show Notes:

  • 02:12 – The one word we believe in most is “repair”. I want people to know just how critical that skill is.
  • 02:28 – When I think of “repair” I think of skiing. If you want to stay upright, you have to make small adjustments to keep your skis “paired” so that you can successfully navigate the terrain ahead of you.
  • 03:29 – When your skis veer away from one another you have to “re-pair them”. (It works the same way in marriage – many small adjustments – many re-pairs to repair your relationship if you hope to successfully navigate the terrain ahead of you.
  • 03:56 – You can/should repair before, during and after conflict.
  • 04:18 – Humor can play a big part in repairing conflict before it begins.
  • 05:25 – Think of your relationship like a bank account. Positive interactions are deposits to your account. Conflict causes a withdrawal. The goal is to maintain a healthy balance in your relationship account.
  • 06:26 – A story of a Valentine’s Day dinner where Rebecca gave Zach both a compliment his appearance, and later expressed her appreciation for cleaning off the roof. To Zach, the compliment felt nice – it felt like $5. But the “thank you” felt amazing – that felt like $20.
  • 07:48 – It’s incumbent for couples to learn where their partner holds value (some people call it Love Languages).
  • 08:57 – Terry Real is one of my favorite therapists. He says the secret to marriage is finding the answer to this question: “How do I give you what you need so I can get what I want.” What I want, is to feel close to you. What I want, is to be paired with you.
  • 10:00 – Daily Check-In: “On a scale from 1 to 10, how close and connected do you feel to me today?” “What can I do to make you feel more connected to me?”
  • 10:47 – Key takeaways…